STOP GAMING FROM INTERFERRING WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Turn an exhausting 3-way relationship into a passionate 2-way romance
Joshua Garth, AMFT, Gaming Addiction Specialist
Phone: (714) 367-4795
Video games are exciting, fun, entertaining, and a major interference to important aspects of life, especially long-term romantic relationships. Before we dive into replacing video games with passion, there are some things you need to understand about how video games have already affected your relationship between you and your gamer partner.
These are not to create problems, or make you feel bad, but to let you know some of things you may not fully understand. If excessive gaming is THE problem, REMEMBER, THESE BEHAVIORS ARE FROM THE ADDICTION, NOT THE PERSON YOU LOVE. Your partner is still there, and there is a way to get them back.
Keep in mind, this is not the end of the story. There is hope to have the relationship you want, and to get what you and your partner need.
THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT GAMING ADDICTION AND YOUR PARTNER
VIDEO GAMES PROVIDE FAST PACED INTERACTION THEY CAN’T GET ANYWHERE ELSE
Do not expect your gamer partner to choose you over video games in the moment. The interactivity and immediate rush provided by playing video games will trump the rush and interactivity that can be gained by a relationship. DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY! If your partner is prioritizing video games over you, this just means their addiction is driving their action; not them. Do not give up hope, the story is not over. There are deep needs strong relationships fulfill that video games can’t. The problem lies in the seemingly mundane time required to build the relationship that can fulfill these needs. This can be solved over time through adjustment, but it will be difficult.
LONG-TERM GAMERS ARE EMOTIONALLY NUMB
Long term game playing over time shuts down the emotional processing centers of the brain. And, some days you may have notice that the your gamer partner may fall into a dazed fog like state. This zombification happens because 1) They are probably not getting enough sleep and, 2) playing games for a long period of time is exhausting and will inhibit the emotional centers of the brain (emotional numbness). DO NOT HAVE A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH THE GAMER WHEN THEY ARE LIKE THIS. They will have reduced emotional responsiveness making it seem like they are uncaring about sensitive topics. They may seem unconcerned; however, this may be the gaming hangover talking. Unintentionally, addicted gamers play video games partly for the emotional numbing effect. It makes navigating reality easier for them… or so they think.
REDUCING GAMING TIME MAY INCREASE RELATIONAL STRESS
Removing all games devices will not show improvement in the relationship right away. You will probably see an increase in irritability, anger, and even hostility in your gamer partner as their brain expects fast-paced action and gratification that it is no longer getting. Also, your gamer partner will now have more free time, but will not know how to use it productively. Many people will try to curb their gaming habits only to lessen the restrictions over time because “they can handle it.” DO NOT GIVE IN! This behavior is all part of the process, and takes time to change as the gamer gets used to the reduced gratification, and it is a difficult process.
YOUR GAMER PARTNER HAS NOT BEEN FULLY HONEST ABOUT THEIR GAMING HABITS
I’m sorry to say this. No one likes to be lied to. It may be an omission, exaggeration, or straight out deceit, your partner has been dishonest with you about the time they spend playing video games, or the amount of money they’ve spent on them. Remember, this is not your partner at their best; this is the addiction that’s acting. There is shame and guilt in not being able to stop, and they feel it. Maybe they should have been paying bills, doing whores, working, exercising, or spending time with you, and instead they decided to keep playing. Lying allows the gamer to avoid conflict, “not hurt you”, not have to face the truth of their addiction, and keep playing. This is not excusing their dishonest behavior; it is not right. However, staying in this dishonest cycle makes it easier to live with themselves… at least that’s what they think.
YOU CANNOT SHARE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH EXCESSIVE GAMING
Video games may be abundant, but it doesn’t mean they fit in everywhere. You have probably felt the strain of video games in your relationship, like you are having to compete with them. At the same time, you probably tell yourself that video games make your partner happy. You gamer partner can relax from hard day’s work, or reward themselves with it. “Who am I to get in the way of their happiness?” If you keep telling yourself that, you’ll find yourself unhappily sharing a bed with your partner and a gaming console. There are so many things everyday that grab our attention away from our romantic partners; don’t let gaming be another hurdle to jump over. You’ll never make it.
Before you go on to the next section, you need to fully understand and internalize the 5 concepts above. This is about you coming to terms with your partner’s gaming habits as much as it is for them. And creating a new routine of interaction requires intentionality. If you are passive about wanting to change the romance in the relationship, it will never happen. Luckily, there are some things you can do to take back some of the ground lost.
Breaking The Trance of The Screen
Your Expectations Up Front
Relationship by definition requires interaction between you and someone else. You need to have your expectations about gaming in the relationship known and ready, and your gamer partner needs to have their expectations ready as well. This will require a few honest conversations about what you want, how you think gaming is affecting your overall relationship satisfaction, and where you want your relationship to be. Your gamer partner may not agree, but this will be a good starting point.
Device/Game Free Zones and Times
Your relationship should not get what is leftover from the day. Being intentional with your relationship means giving your best energy and attention toward it. Set times and places where phones, devices, and games are prohibited. During dinner, after 7pm each night, or during social events are great starting places to put this into action. And this is a BAN FOR BOTH OF YOU. It will require both you and your gamer partner to interact with each other minus the distraction of digital devices. The first week may feel unnatural, but over time, you’ll get into a good rhythm of interaction.
They Can Game In Front of You
The epic gaming cave your gamer partner has made for themselves is really a fortress of solitude. If your partner is going to game under the same roof, have them do it in the same room where you are. You don’t have to watch them or pay attention to what they are doing. Being in proximity of each other at least allows for potential interaction, and may give you some insight into how video games affect them.
Get A Handle On The Gaming
Knowing that your gamer partner plays games isn’t enough. Find out how much they are spending in time and money on the games, how often they are gaming, what device they use, and what games they are playing most frequently. This includes mobile games as well. It may be scary, but it will open up lines of communication you may have never explored. This also may start arguments, but (notice the theme) this is about being honest with each other, regardless of the magnitude of feelings that may be generated.
Know Your Limits
You are as much a part of this relationship as your gamer partner. Excessive gaming is a serious problem with real consequences. People have lost jobs, failed out of school, ended relationships, and lost lives because of their gaming habits. You don’t need to be one of those tragedies. If you are having negative feelings about your partner’s gaming habits, SPEAK UP! It will only get worse over time if you don’t.
If your relationship is in trouble, and your partner’s gaming habits have something to do with it, get help. There are tons of resources available, and one of them includes working with me. I’ve gone through the heart break and frustration of video games taking away time, energy, and money that should have gone towards my relationship. Now, I’m game free and spend that time building a relationship once weighed down by video games.
Please contact me. I would be honored to help get your relationship back on track.