At Wit’s End
You’re probably at the point of banging your head against the wall due to frustration. Many parents contact me because they don’t know where to go, and nothing has worked. You may start feeling ashamed because your efforts have failed up until this point. “Why is it so hard?” you may think. “Did I do something wrong?” Rest assured, you probably did nothing wrong, and your intentions are in the right place. You see the mess your gamer is buried in. Even though it may not seem like it, they feel the weight of the burden as much of you. You may just need to try something new. Believe me, it’s never too late to make a fresh start.
Joshua Garth, AMFT, Gaming Addiction Specialist
Phone: (714) 367-4795
Where to Start?
1. Find Support Around You
You can’t effectively help your gamer if you are feeling powerless. There are many parents who have the same frustration and helpless feeling that you have. You’ll be surprised how many parents you know that are going through the same thing. Reach out to those around you. A good place to start is in Facebook Groups dedicated to what you are needing. They’ll understand your situation, you can ask any questions, and you’ll be able to read through hundreds of stories of success:
2. Get Educated
What your kid is experiencing is not a ‘gaming’ phase. This is a downward spiral that will get worse the longer it goes on. The best way to stop it is to understand what your gamer is going through. Here are symptoms to look for (DSM-5 Proposed criteria for Internet Gaming Disorder):
a. Preoccupation with Internet games. (The individual thinks about previous gaming activity or anticipates playing the next game; Internet gaming becomes the dominant activity in daily life).
b. Withdrawal symptoms when Internet Gaming is taken away. (These symptoms are typically described as irritability, anxiety, or sadness, but there are no physical signs of pharmacological withdrawal.)
c. Tolerance - the need to spend increasing amounts of time engaged in Internet games.
d. Unsuccessful attempts to control the participation in Internet Games.
e. Loss of interests in previous hobbies and entertainment as a result of, and with the exception of, Internet games.
f. Continued excessive use of Internet games despite knowledge of psychosocial problems.
g. Has deceived family members, therapists, or others regarding the amount of Internet gaming.
h. Use of Internet Games to escape or relieve a negative mood (e.g. , feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety).
i. Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of participation in Internet Games.
Other things to note:
1. Gamer will usually spend 8-10 hours a day playing, and about 30 hours or more a week.
2. Prevention to engage in gaming will cause the gamer to fel irritated or angry.
3. Gamers will go long periods without food or sleep.
4. Normal obligations (e.g., family, work, social) will be neglected.
5. Usual reason given when asked why the gamer continues to play is to avoid boredom.
There are articles on what gaming addiction is, how it looks in different cultures, and demographic information of those who excessively game. Find out everything you can about gaming addiction as it is relatively new, and research is fairly limited.
3. Resources For Your Gamer
Get a Mentor or Coach that will help your gamer in a one-on-one setting:
Healthy Gamer GG also has a Youtube channel. Here is a video that explains why gamers feel the way they do:
Have your gamer join a group of people struggling with gaming addiction:
If you think your gamer is past the point of return, and needs to go cold-turkey, this summer camp may be the answer:
4. Take Care Of Yourself
You can only be as helpful as you are healthy. Make sure you are getting good sleep, feeding yourself well, can take mental breaks when you need to, and are filling yourself with activities that reinforce your value as a person. And remember these things:
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AS A PARENT - Your gamer would have most likely found themselves doing this anyways without you.
THERE IS HOPE TO STOP BAD GAMING BEHAVIOR - There are tons of success stories about people ridding their lives of video games.
MAKE A GAME PLAN - Create a plan on paper so a) you aren’t going in blind, and b) you will have structure for yourself, family, and gamer. Plan out every minute of EVERY DAY, when the gamer will be allowed to play, what consequences should be for bad/good behavior, AND STICK TO WHAT YOU SAY.
BE MENTALLY PREPARED FOR A LONG STRUGGLE - Once you have decided to really FIGHT against the addiction, there will be screaming, threatening, and lying. Don’t give up. There are parents who have completely removed all digital addiction behaviors, but it took a few months. All of them have said to “not give up.” There is an end.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - It’s worth saying twice. you need to be at your best to help your gamer. Plan vacations, romantic dates, a night to yourself, maybe a activity with your gamer kid that reminds you why you love them. Give yourself a break so you have the energy to fight for your gamer.
Something To Keep You Going
Sometimes the journey can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. In those times, your motivation and resolve can wane. Print this out and hang it somewhere you will see it everyday:
Give yourself every chance as a parent to keep going. Eventually there will be progress, and you and your gamer kid will have a normal relationship again.
Get Some Relief
Even though it may not feel like it, you as a parent have tremendous power with your kids. The disconnect is in the communication. You have uttered the same things over and over to them, and they seem not to listen. Worse off, they stop responding. That’s where I come in.
I’ve been on both sides of the relationship. I’ve argued, lied, and shirked responsibilities all so I can get some more video game time. I’ve also experienced the effects of what those lies lead to for the parents. The disparaging goes beyond missing homework assignments. Your relationship with your gamer kid is barely hanging by a thread.
If this sounds remotely like your family situation, contact me. I can offer skills and guidance for you and your family to get some relief from the hold gaming has on your home.