Quitting Video Games Pt. 5 - Day 88 – Creeping Thoughts, Compound Addictions, and Winning
Checking In:
Physical Health – Last few weeks have been met with major changes to my diet (Carb Cycling) and exercise routine. I changed from long distance running to HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). Essentially, I’m sprinting for 30 seconds, resting for 60 seconds, and repeat for 15 minutes every other day. I’m trying this to see if I can lose some body fat. Other than that, I’m feeling pretty good. I find myself taking more naps than normal. I think this is my body trying to compensate for the new exercise routine.
Mental Health – Compared to the first month, my mind has never felt clearer. Some nights have been a struggle to stay asleep though. Either it’s been too hot, or my wife decides to wiggle around more than normal. Worst of all are the dreams I have been having. I find myself gaming in my dreams and feel guilty about it. Though, after waking up, I rationalize that maybe I can start gaming again. What makes this so strange is I’ve stopped watching gaming videos and yet my mind keeps coming back to it. The occurrences of rumination have lessened which is the greatest relief to me. The ruminating wasted so much time and energy, and created a hole of darkness which I held onto for way too long.
Cravings – The only time I have experienced cravings recently is after dreaming about playing video games. The next day, I attempt to rationalize playing video games as though I am wiser, and a more mature person that can handle it. I know I can’t play video games in a healthy way as gaming will lead back to me avoiding living my life. I know I’ll lie just to get another hour in. I hate lying to people about my gaming habits, which includes my wife. I don’t want to have any secrets from her, and I don’t want anything else to become a priority over her. Remembering the times that gaming led to disaster in my life has kept me from gaming. However, there is another craving I would like to talk about that has had an impactful pull on me recently.
Gaming and Boozing
In July, it will be a year since my last drink. I decided to stop drinking because I feel unmotivated the day after drinking, and it had become a daily habit. Having an alcoholic beverage had taken the same place that gaming had in my life, “Well, I’m not doing anything else, might as well kick back with some wine and blow away some super mutants in Fallout …”. A distorted, graphical reality had become more commonplace in my life than true reality.
This all started when I was still living with my parents. They had banned all alcoholic beverages in the house, but that didn’t stop me. I would sneak in bottles of wine, pour them into a sports water bottle (yes, an entire bottle of wine fits),and have the night of my life. And so began a 5 year period soaked in alcohol whenever possible. Luckily, I came to my senses and stopped, but the urge to kickback with a drink hits every so often. Thinking about the time in my bedroom with a water bottle full of wine and gaming on my computer always wakes up the craving. Why do I stop myself? What do I gain from it?
Creativity and Winning
The rumination (false resolution to internal problems), being drunk (distorting reality to not have to deal, gaming for hours (avoiding the truth and being honest) were terrible coping mechanisms, but played their roles nonetheless. Unfortunately, they took so much away. One of the activities I treasured growing up was diving into my pool of musical creativity. It was a great way to release and feel like I was connecting with something greater than myself.
The last song I wrote was when I was 19 years old. I wrote a song for my then girlfriend in an 8-hour period on the piano and performed it for her the same day. Since then I had dabbled in playing, but it was the same songs I already knew, or I would learn a small section of a new song. I wasn’t experiencing the movement created by the music I played. I used most of my time playing video games and being buzzed, sacrificing something that was so dear to my heart. I’m happy I can say I reconnected with my passion for writing and exploring musical rhythms and phrasing. Apparently, I had a song stored up for a long time because it only took me 4 hours to write a new song. I want this to be inspiring for those who are currently in the throes of staving off addiction. It is more than just stopping yourself from doing something. You are giving yourself time and space to do things you love instead of wasting time with something destructive. Reconnect with something or someone who makes you feel like a whole person. Find your muse that’s an oasis for your soul; you’ve been walking in the desert uninspired for too long.