5 Tips for Parenting Gamers
1. Stop Arguing With Your Kids (The Compassionate Dictatorship)
If the gaming behavior under your roof has gone beyond addiction, the gamer has likely done things that have frustrated (even hurt) you beyond your limit. They are masters at manipulating emotions to get what they want. You may have found yourself as a SWAT Team Negotiator trading responsibility tasks for time away from the game. "Make it worth my while and I'll put the controller down...for now." Conversations may have turned into pleading with your kid. "Please, all I want you do to do is put your dishes in the sink..." They may have played you against your spouse "...but dad said I could play right now!" yet he never said such a thing. Your child has more control over the household than the parents, and its tiring. Time to set things straight.
If You Say It, Mean It (No Idle Threats)
Your home is not a democracy. It's a shared dictatorship. What the parents say goes, otherwise some bad stuff is going to happen. Throwing a temper tantrum (and yes, this applies to ANY age) is going to make the consequence worse. Initially, you were going to take their game away for the weekend. Now you can change it to a week. Bad behavior continues? Let's exchange the kid's Xbox One for an Xbox 360. Be creative. Whatever you feel fits, make sure you carry it out. Otherwise your kid will think you are bluffing from then on.
Compassion From The Top
Parents need to demonstrate that authority is to be respected, and bad behavior will not be rewarded. That doesn't mean you need to have a mean attitude about it, or that your iron fist must be clenched all the time. Set expectations first so you, and your kid, know what's coming. This will lessen the blow-up factor, and you can put the negotiating megaphone down.
2. Consistency is Key (The Stable Household)
Chaos gives gamers a reason to spend further time in front of the screen. Gaming is used as a distraction from negative emotions/experiences, and a way to cope with, and lessen, stress. Constantly changing expectations and emotional unpredictability can cement the fact in the gamers mind that "the game will always be there to comfort me from this maelstrom." If there is (ironically) consistent upheaval occurring in your house via arguments between you and your spouse, vacillation between positive and negative moods, and/or changing household rules, that needs to change. If the goal is to reduce time in front of the screen, there needs to be a stable environment the gamer can rely on to be safe.
Easier Said Than Done
Calming the soul of a restless home is no easy task. It requires a basic understanding of why there is unrest, and you may not be able to do that by yourself or even with your spouse. If this is the case, please get professional help from a couple's/family therapist. They can guide you through the process.
3. Provide Healthy Meals, Especially in the Morning
Gamers have a tendency of getting up late, and skipping meals creating a caloric void. Start having breakfast with your kid and MAKE IT QUALIITY FOOD. Reduce processed sugar and carbs (e.g. pancakes, toast, bagels). Provide food that is high in protein. Eggs, nuts and a steak are some good choices. Also, get rid of accessible junk food and sweets. Symptoms of anxiety and depression can be exacerbated when the body has no energy reserves. Also, this can be a great connecting point between you and your kid. Have them comment on what kind of quality meals they want to have.
4. Stay Calm (Strong Emotions Overwhelm)
At the heart of parenting is the desire for the kid to do well in life and succeed. It is heartbreaking when the kid is working against their own future and can be frustrating when they do everything to avoid making good choices, ignoring your wisdom and experience. Frustration can lead to acts of anger and aggression. At first, this strategy may work. Your kid may agree to do what you ask(demand), but it is only out of fear. They are doing it because they don't want to see the anger and disappointment anymore; not because it is good for their future. But the gamer will soon find ways to not have to experience your anger and frustration anymore. As a result, your relationship with your kid suffers more because they are going out of their way to avoid you.
Enraged Parent * Emotionally Underdeveloped Kid = Cycle of Frustration
Excessive gaming deafens the emotion centers of the brain making it difficult for gamers to identify and process emotions. When they see sadness or anger, it may seem like they aren't fazed by these negative feelings, but they just don't know what to do with them. It's difficult for them to hold feelings and emotions. Asking a gamer how they feel usually results in them describing a physical action (e.g. punched in the stomach) or responding with "I don't know." Again, it's not because they don't care. They may not understand in the moment. If you want to communicate effectively, use your words over dramatic actions. Showing them your feelings will further push them to avoid you.
5. Send the Right Message
A majority of complaints parents have about their gamer kid is their lack of hygiene. This causes the parents to hound the kid, "Have you brushed your teeth yet?" For good reason too. No one wants be around people with smelly breath; however, constant hounding on the topic can have a negative effect. The kid sees the relationship theme between you and them as "I am only worth what I do, and nothing more". Even when the parents aren't complaining, their protest is bubbling under the surface about everything their ungrateful kid isn't doing right. This undermines the relationship with your kid. In their eyes, you don't see them as worthy of your love, and they start believing it on a grander scale.
Relationship Over Results
Continue to build responsible behaviors with your kid, but don't make it the focus. Make some time to enjoy being with them. Watch a movie together, play a board or card game, ask for their advice on something. They need to know you still love them despite all the strife going on.
Some of these tips are easily stated, but hard to implement. It can be tough after all the built-up conflict. If you are having trouble with excessive gaming in your house, and are still at a loss, please contact me. I've helped families and individuals with this problem.
Joshua Garth, MA AMFT
https://www.gamingaddictioncounseling.com/