Resetting the Addict State of Mind: From Self-Pity to Self-Acceptance

Whenever I thought of staying away from an addiction, I always thought of it as being an ever present and excruciating battle. As the saying goes, you need to “…take it one day at a time…” when you’re “battling” your addiction. I understand why this holds true for some people as their addiction is constantly messing with their emotions and mind. If you’re reading this, you probably know the addiction I struggle with is video games, and, to a lesser extent, alcohol. At the time of writing this, I’ve been sober for over 103 days. I decided to write this to provide a path forward for some people who struggle with addiction. This in no way is a one size fits all, or a cure all, but rather a route that worked for me. In this blog article, I’ll talk about what initially made me stop playing, what kept me off, what didn’t work for me, and where I’m currently at. I also don’t want to tell a narrative that suggests everyone should stop playing video games. I think video games as an art form can be more moving and influential than TV shows or films. I just know that video games and me do not work well together in creating a livable life. If you think you may struggle with a video game addiction, even a little bit, please get more information on the topic. Don’t let your life be squandered in front of a screen.

Putting Down The Controller

There was an evening I was playing one of my favorite games, but I wasn’t really immersing myself into the experience. I was just following quest markers, not really invested that much into what I was doing. That night I had been playing for a few hours. Same as the night before, but never really getting enjoyment from what I was doing. It was tiring, and boring. I felt like I was going through the motions. When I was done for the evening, I remember getting up from my computer and thinking, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not having fun.” This moment had been long coming though.

At a much younger age, I remember cycling through the games I had. After I was done with one, I would change to the next, and then to the next, and so on until I came back to the first. It was a good excuse to get away from the chaotic household and distract myself from my responsibilities. It wasn’t just a way to deal with my childhood. I took this behavior into my adult years.

Going back to that night, I been feeling distant from my wife, I wasn’t progressing physically the way I wanted to, and I felt directionless. It was difficult to come to terms with. Why wasn’t I doing things in life for myself, and why were video games always at the top of the list? Ironically, everything outside of gaming felt like such a grind. My free time was automatically getting sucked into gaming. Fortunately, I had slowly been chipped away at the excuses kept me gaming. I wasn’t ready to see an honest image of myself until that evening when I realized enough was enough. The decision was to stop gaming for a month… but, I just kept staying off. Even my wife didn’t understand, but I needed to. Gaming had served its purpose in my life, but the time to stop was way overdue. Whatever self-pity I had, turned into self-acceptance.

Like I stated in the first section, I thought staying away from an addiction would be a battle. So far, it hasn’t felt like a constant fight where I’m always on guard. When I walked away, it wasn’t a tug-o’-war. I decided to let go of the rope. The chase, the reward, and the wasted life meant nothing to me anymore. It didn’t feel like I had this deep-down pull to get back into gaming. There was, and is, no secret urge to get back in front of the screen. Although I have cravings from time-to-time, I never feel out of control, or like I needed someone else to intervene. I know who I am at a very deep level now, and I’m willing to admit it.

This is truly my first time trying to outright stay sober, and it has been going well. I wish I could play video games, I really do, but I know what will happen if I do. I’ve been down that road, and I don’t deserve what’s at the end of it.

Effects of Being Free From Gaming

The first month was difficult, not due to cravings, but due to the amount of free time available. I wasn’t sure how to spend it. It is one thing to walk away from gaming, but I didn’t know what I was walking toward. The habit of wasting time still lingered, but I found myself being more intentional with my time than passive. My mind began to ruminate on intense thoughts and negative emotions about other people. It was clear I was using video games to deal with some of the issues I really didn’t want to deal with. It felt like my inadequacies and vulnerabilities had a massive spotlight on them. This was not an easy month.

The second month was about creating new habits and really getting know how my body and mind function without gamer brain fog. This is where gaming cravings came into play. I saw some Youtube video of games I used to play and imagined myself playing them now. I thought to myself, “I would be so much better at that game now…” I have an Xbox, a Nintendo switch, and a pretty good computer at home. I never came close to gaming; however, my free-flowing mind tried to put me back into that place. I want to emphasize; I haven’t had to use my conscious mind to stay away from gaming. I never had to slap my hand away from reaching out toward the Switch. I never needed to.

Third month, I began testing the bounds of my body and energy. I put myself through some of the most vigorous physical and mental exercises I had had in a long time (to the point of injury). I found myself doing way more, thinking more clearly, and looking forward to things I normally thought were annoying. Entertainment was no longer at the top of my list of priorities. I also found out how lonely I was without video games. I thought I was fine being alone, when in reality, I was masking it through gaming. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, but rather accepting who I was and expanding it. It has been some of the most invigorating experiences I’ve had in a long time.

Some Activities I got back into during this time

Regular Exercise, Gardening, Home Projects, Writing Music (It’s Been over a Decade)

My Mentality During Active Addiction and After Active Addiction

1.      Personal Time

During: I need my personal time and I do that while gaming (at least a few hours).

After: I rarely “NEED” personal time, and use it for my passions (music, etc.)

2.      Indulgence

During: I did the dishes and cleaned the laundry. I deserve a reward (gaming).

After: I did the laundry and dishes and am satisfied now that they are done.

3.      Procrastination

During: I can do it in an hour/tonight/tomorrow… not a big deal…

After: I have some time, I should do it now.

4.      Avoidance

During:  Maybe I can make up an excuse to not go to the family party…

After: I may not want to go, but I know there will be people there who want to see me.

5.      Gratification

During: I’ll play a little before I start doing responsibilities (hours go by before starting).

After: New episode is on? Can’t wait to watch it tonight after dinner.

6.      Honesty (to others)

During: I had a productive day (I took a shower, ate, and brushed my teeth).

After: I had a productive day; I planted a garden, started a new ad, and cleaned the house.

7.      Honesty (to self)

During: There might be some things I can do to improve my life, but I’m happy right now.

After: I know things can be much better, what am I doing to make life worse or better?

8.      Resilience

During: I’m too tired, I’m not feeling it; I deserve a day off. I’ll do it tomorrow.

After: I’m tired, but I can make it through. I know my limits.

9.      Giving

During: I need as much for myself as possible. I don’t have much to give other people.

After: I get more by giving. I can be a blessing by spending time and energy for other people.

10.   Gratitude

During: Why do I have to go out with my friends tonight? I’d rather stay home.

After: I’m glad I can go see my friends. We can go create some more great memories.

11.  Activity

During: What else would I do instead of play games?

After: There is so much more to do than play video games!

What Worked For Me – Getting Rid of Excess Comfort

I never realized the amount of comfort I had in my daily life. When I looked at my day-to-day activities it was clear I had little to no challenges. The hardest thing I was doing was going to see my clients which is not that hard. It was like I was skating through each day. I started creating challenges in my life. To overcome them I would have to be intentional:

-        Cold showers – Started trying them and they are awesome. I’m no longer taking long showers in the comfort of warmth. I dive in head long to an uncomfortable shower of cold water yet feel so good in process. This is truly a great way to start the day.

-        HIIT Exercising – I had become lazy in my running. I was training for a marathon, but COVID decided to halt that. I was right at the end of my training (ran twenty miles) and had to stop (still bitter…). Without a race to train for, I had become complacent. I decided to start HIIT training that would force me to find the limit in my physical strength and expand it.

-        Facing My Anxiety – These were unfinished projects, or things I know would cause arguments with my wife, but knew I was avoiding them because I didn’t want to deal with them. Instead, I made a list of what they were, and decided to face them head on, with care of course. It would be just as stupid blindly rush into dangerous territory without a plan. I felt liberated after finally getting them done.

-        Rediscovering My Passions – Gaming had taken up my free time away. I used to write music and poetry. Even if I did find my way to the piano during my active addiction, I would just play the same things, rather than expand on what I could do. I knew I could accomplish so much more and getting back into playing has proven there’s so much more potential I haven’t tapped into yet. After the decade long hiatus, I didn’t know there was a creation brewing inside, ready to be made. Once back in the writer’s seat, I created a song on the piano with lyrics in a 4-hour time span. This made me much more satisfied than anything else.

-        Telling Someone I Cared About – It would probably not be sober if I didn’t tell my wife about my plan, and if I didn’t join a support group. Plans are different when expressed to other people. Then there is accountability. Not only did my wife know, but I had a whole group of people in Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous (CGAA) that I had shared my deep regrets and wishes with. I wasn’t about to lie to them. Having accountability makes the urges feel less impactful, and the whole experience becomes less of a struggle. It’s important to have cheerleaders in your corner.

What Didn’t Work

Everyone will have trigger points, and actions that may put them down the path of relapse. Seeing as how I am still sober, these things didn’t cause me to falter, but they didn’t help me in the process:

-        Access to Smart Phone – I find myself still wasting time on Youtube videos. Youtube can be helpful for certain projects but can also be somewhat triggering depending on the videos. I can watch gaming videos, but they do not help me stay sober. In fact, they can sometimes bring on cravings to play again.

-        Coffee/Caffeine – Coffee has been my substitute addiction. As I write this, I’m 4 cups in, but I am starting to feel jittery, and will inevitably have a crash. Relapses don’t happen in times of strength, but rather occur in our weakest moments. If left unchecked these caffeine crashes can lend themselves to more wasted time, urges, and even relapse.

-        Keeping Busy – I like the idea of being busy, but it needs to be intentional business. I find myself having urges and wasting time if I’m doing things that have no real purpose, or I won’t feel satisfied after doing them. They put me back into a mental state that reminds me of why I started gaming in the first place. Working on my therapy business, completing house projects, and writing are the right type of busy I need.

-        Staying Inside – I try to get out as much as I can, but my work doesn’t lend itself to that. Writing blogs, and doing psychotherapy requires time inside. However, I find myself hurting if I spend too much time inside my own house. I played games inside every day. A change in scenery can do wonders to influence my creativity and keep me on track.

-        Addiction Associations – Gaming for me meant indulging in 2 addictions, gaming and alcohol. In, July I’ll be a year sober from alcohol. Recently, however, I found myself at a brewery. Every so often I get cravings for alcohol, but they are few and far between. This time, it was strong. The brewery had coffee flavored alcohol… And, in my mind, that brought me back into my bedroom, playing games, and sipping on a water bottle filled with wine.

Where I Am At Today

Being 103 days sober has had so many more benefits than negatives. I spend more time with my wife, am much more productive, and intentional, and am enjoying things I once ignored in active addiction. Things that once caused me stress and anxiety I consider a challenge. My life feels like it is back on track, and I can’t believe it didn’t fall a part before this. I’m grateful to have this second chance. I’m in no way a perfect version of who I could be. I have opportunities to improve my social life, spend less time on pointless videos, and still have much more to improve about myself. The good thing is I don’t see these as massive hurdles to overcome. Instead, they are lessons I’m looking forward to learning, mistakes I can build on, and future achievements I can look toward. I urge anyone who is using video games in any of the ways I’ve described to get help! This is not a small matter that will fix itself. Gaming addiction will literally send the only time you have down the drain. Don’t let gaming take away everything you have left. You deserve a life in your control.