Checking In:

1.      Greatly reduced the effort and time I was working out in the morning. My gas tank was already empty before the day had even started. I also moved my running to evening time. This has helped immensely as I feel that I have much more energy throughout the day.

2.      Have continued with the Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous (CGAA) meetings. I try to join them every day at 7pm. The only exception is if I have a social engagement. Social relationships take precedence as I have never been good at maintaining them. I still do not have a sponsor.

3.      Gaming urges aren’t as frequent as I have stopped listening to gaming content on Youtube, and the pull is nearly non-existent.

4.      Having more strange yet impactful dreams. Some of them are about me gaming. Not sure what to make of this, other than maybe my mind compensating for the lack of interaction and gratification I would normally get.

5.      Honesty as a primary form of connection with myself and others. I do not mean reckless, tactless honesty, as some things should not be shared due to being irrelevant, or destructive. Gaming had taken away honesty as a primary means of connection. Thinking about it makes me sad as I feel like if I were honest while in active addiction, I could have been a much better friend.

I know not everyone is religious, or even spiritual; however, I want to bring spirituality into my journey as it is something that has been ignored by me for a long time. I interpret spirituality as knowing my purpose, and my spiritual health is determined by how well I have pursued my purpose. Call it a oneness with God or the universe, or whatever you want, I think every person has the sense of purpose. In this frame of mind, I realized that I had made steps in the right direction by staying away from drinking alcohol (almost a full year), quitting video games, and being more present. Unfortunately, I still had a long way to go, and, it’s clear, the road is going to be painful. I found myself looking into my faith this past week as the scandal of former pastor Carl Lentz piqued my interest. As I searched through the stories, I found sources that spoke to me. They talked about false teachers and having discernment for what is the truth. Guess it was time to dust off my old truth compass and see if it pointed north.

People, media, etc. can instill thoughts that lead away from the path people are meant to take. The path is difficult enough to find, and to stay on it is even harder. Finding purpose is never easy, as it means trial-and-error before finding it. Even more, continuing with purpose means failing sometimes and it can be disheartening. I know my purpose is to understand and help heal people. I can walk with someone through a disaster, face the tragedy, and feel fulfilled knowing that person had someone by their side. I know what I’m supposed to do, yet, I still have times when I feel like things aren’t the way they are supposed to be, even though nothing has changed.

I noticed I will go through weird cycles of highs and lows (I’m not bipolar). Sometimes I feel like my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and energy all come together in unison and I have clarity and a direction. Other days, like today, I feel off, like I’m a jumbled mess disconnected from reality. In my active addiction, I would use gaming to remove myself from this disconnected feeling, even though it’s part of the mess I needed to cleanup. I had been using my feelings as a gauge of where I was in my life trajectory. That’s essentially basing decisions on the winds; they change sporadically. I know I need something more solid as an anchor for myself.

Step 4 of the AA twelve steps is “We made a searching and fearless personal inventory of ourselves”… The understanding I have of myself is clear, and there are things I have hidden away even from my own eyes that cause turmoil in my own life. This is where honesty has been such a key concept for me this past week as it has forced me go through my dirty laundry and really look at what I have done. To be clear, I have not completed the personal inventory, but I know how it needs to be done now. Cleaning out the skeleton closet will help create a more stable foundation for me to go forward. I just have to be willing to face it.