Checking In

Week 8 has included some of the worst emotions I’ve felt so far in this journey. Here are some of the events that I think contributed to my experiences:

1.      About a year and a half ago, my wife and I got into a car crash. My car started hydroplaning (it was raining like no one’s business), and it slowly drifted toward the traffic lanes. I hit one other car, and luckily neither me or my wife sustained any injuries. Fast forward, and my insurance received a demand letter for more than what my policy would cover, but they decided to settle for the amount that my insurance would cover. For other reasons, my father got involved, and I started having major feelings of guilt.

2.      I’ve been attending CGAA meetings. I made it a point to share at every meeting, but it was the other members sharing that really got to me. They gave me a better perspective on how gaming addiction can ruin lives, and how close I was at point in letting that happen.

3.      An overwhelming sense that life was flying out of my control.

4.      I spent some more time with my childhood friend, and we again talked more about the way things were, and how we currently are due to the past.

5.      I overreached my physical limitations for my exercise routine. I was doing them out of habit, and not realizing the negative stage I had set for the rest of each day.

The Terrible Place I Put Myself In

For about a week and a half, my thoughts turned nihilistic. Suicidal ideation is going too far in description, but I would have rather walked away from everything at the time regardless of the cost. It was easy to think about the road that got me to this place and wanting to do it all over. I had triggers pulled, and inadequacy filled my body and mind. My body in the way that I felt like I had no energy, my nerves felt shot, and simple tasks took all the strength I could muster. My mind in that my motivation had evaporated, and my thoughts had no fight. I started thinking, and believing, “What’s the point of anything?” My rumination had hit an all-time high, and I was not dealing with the racing anxious, negative thoughts well. My morning exercise routines had become a way to cope but were also exacerbating the negative feelings I had. During my runs, I found resentments inflating. I was pushing myself harder than I ever had to keep the resentment down not realizing the toll my vigor had taken on my body. I couldn’t keep it up, but I did my damndest to stay the course. With no energy, weak motivation, and a broken spirit, I felt like I was barely getting by. Fortunately, I didn’t game at all, but that was because the I activities I engaged in were merely out of habit. I wasn’t thinking nor was I feeling. My numbing routine finally collapsed in on itself and I had given in.

What Did I Need?

People use the phrase “Self-Care” as something that is widely understood, but it’s really a difficult thing to put into practice. With the absence of video games, I thought I needed to replace it with more productive behavior. “Why not increase my time exercising?” I thought. It’s not what I needed though. I had hit my limit and now was over-exerting myself physically. Maybe I needed to shoulder more of the responsibilities I had been shirking, and so I did. That didn’t work too well either. Maybe I could exercise more OR take more time dealing with responsibilities, but both were not what I needed. This is where knowing what kind of self-care to engage in is vital.

In a way, busying myself with other crap was a different form of playing video games; I was just dancing around the problems gaming had covered up. The constant rumination and negativity highlighted the issues I was not willing to face. Meetings facilitated by Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous would not let me pull the wool over my eyes any longer. I really needed to just be honest with what I was doing, how I was feeling, and how I was avoiding all of it. The deep self-reflection people have in CGAA meetings is undeniable. Anyone listening in cannot help but think about how the topics resonate in their own lives. These meetings really helped me through this tough time. Self-care for me wasn’t a vacation, or a new lifestyle change. It was just gaining a better understanding of who I was in the moment.

I absolutely hated the past week and wish to never experience anything like it again. However, I’m glad to have gone through it learning a little bit more about myself. I know it’s all part of the long process of recovery.